Strategy #5: By Giving and Receiving Help, You Promote Growth
Part 1 - Helping
Helping is one way to strengthen the bonds we have with important others, as well as people we may not know through charitable organizations.
You can even help animals, plants, the environment, and the world.
Helping ourselves is also something we can do. The “self-help” movement is what really started all this. In fact, the reading of this book is a form of helping yourself.
Altruism is a label in the philosophical and scientific literature for helping. It signifies concern and caring for others. Buddhists believe that altruism comes about when you think about your own suffering and use it to have empathy toward others.
In the United States, one way to be altruistic (or to help) is by volunteering. Volunteering has also been associated with emotional, intellectual, and spiritual benefits. In fact, studies have shown that volunteering is linked with positive late-life adjustment and a resource of developing greater meaning and purpose in life.
Other studies have reflected the effects of helping behavior and found evidence to support how volunteering can help make you:
Another study found that volunteers live longer than non-volunteers.
There are countless psychological and physical benefits to volunteering. Just do a quick search on Google and you will find many reasons to volunteer. If not that, ask people that volunteer and you will discover that many of them feel better about themselves.
Generativity is being concerned enough about the welfare of others that you take the time to teach those younger than you how to glean from the past important ideas and principles that have worked to preserve your well-being. This includes altruism.
Helping others works in reverse, too. Sometimes as we age, we don’t want to receive assistance from others – we can just do it all on our own. But if you take the reverse of altruism, and think about receiving help, you can also gain benefits from allowing others to help you in your later life. In other words, letting others help you is another form of altruism.
Some researchers have stated that learning to receive help is just as important as giving it.
You can even help animals, plants, the environment, and the world.
Helping ourselves is also something we can do. The “self-help” movement is what really started all this. In fact, the reading of this book is a form of helping yourself.
Altruism is a label in the philosophical and scientific literature for helping. It signifies concern and caring for others. Buddhists believe that altruism comes about when you think about your own suffering and use it to have empathy toward others.
In the United States, one way to be altruistic (or to help) is by volunteering. Volunteering has also been associated with emotional, intellectual, and spiritual benefits. In fact, studies have shown that volunteering is linked with positive late-life adjustment and a resource of developing greater meaning and purpose in life.
Other studies have reflected the effects of helping behavior and found evidence to support how volunteering can help make you:
- Happier
- Healthier
- Easier to live with
- Better at taking care of yourself and others
Another study found that volunteers live longer than non-volunteers.
There are countless psychological and physical benefits to volunteering. Just do a quick search on Google and you will find many reasons to volunteer. If not that, ask people that volunteer and you will discover that many of them feel better about themselves.
Generativity is being concerned enough about the welfare of others that you take the time to teach those younger than you how to glean from the past important ideas and principles that have worked to preserve your well-being. This includes altruism.
Helping others works in reverse, too. Sometimes as we age, we don’t want to receive assistance from others – we can just do it all on our own. But if you take the reverse of altruism, and think about receiving help, you can also gain benefits from allowing others to help you in your later life. In other words, letting others help you is another form of altruism.
Some researchers have stated that learning to receive help is just as important as giving it.
Part 2 - Positive Aging and Helping
While helping others is beneficial to them, helping out also benefits you. Positive Aging characteristics can aid in becoming an effective helper through:
- Discovering ways in which you are uniquely suited to help.
- Learning what it means to receive help and why being a good “help receiver” is just as important as giving help.
- Knowing how to manage the dynamic of help giving and help receiving.
Ways You Are Suited for Helping
The characteristics of a helper involve those similar to a famous help-giver – Florence Nightingale, a nurse who began her career in 1851 and viewed nursing as a divine calling. Through her caring of poor and indigent people, she advocated for the improved medical care in infirmaries in England and for reform of the Poor Laws. Her legacy illustrates the characteristics of altruism, which involve:
- A desire to help others.
- Putting the needs of others before our own needs.
- Acting on our desires to help.
- Engaging our resources in the helping process.
The Skill of Help Giving
The most basic form of helping requires finding a reason and a place to provide help. Altruism, as it has been outlined, can be cultivated by reflecting on your life and identifying those who have helped you in the past.
Asking questions such as:
Asking questions such as:
"Why did that person help me?
"How did I benefit from receiving help?
can help stimulate your desire to help someone else in need.
Sometimes people don’t want to help. Some of the most commons reasons for that are:
A commonality in these barriers is the fear of lack of resources to help, lifestyle patterns that do not include helping, rigid thinking about what might be negative consequences from helping, and a negative attitude about being a helper.
Sometimes people don’t want to help. Some of the most commons reasons for that are:
- I don’t have the time to devote to helping other people.
- I’m too sick to help other people.
- I don’t know anyone who needs help.
- I’m afraid to help other people because I’m not sure how they will take it.
- I’ve never received help in my life, so why should I help others?
- I’ve had experiences where my efforts to help were rebuffed.
- I have too many troubles in my life to devote time to helping others.
- If I’m always helping others I won’t get my own needs met.
A commonality in these barriers is the fear of lack of resources to help, lifestyle patterns that do not include helping, rigid thinking about what might be negative consequences from helping, and a negative attitude about being a helper.
Make a Life Choice to Be a Helper
Behavior patterns and habits are ingrained, even with volunteering. If you have a life history of volunteering, then it is likely you will volunteer in old age. If you want to become a volunteer, consider strategies for working such a commitment into your lifestyle.
Lifestyle behaviors involve persistent patterns of acting and behaving that continue over time and that fit your other lifestyle interests and values.
Start by identifying your values.
List five things that you have valued over your lifetime (three examples have been provided):
Example: My education
Example: My family
Example: My religious beliefs
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
Identify ways that you can support these values through volunteer efforts or helping. These behaviors might include tutoring at an elementary school (because I value “Education”); making deliveries, phone calls, or other types of assistance through your church (because I value “My religious beliefs); or even helping a family member in need (because I value “My family”).
Make a list of volunteer behaviors that appeal to your values system:
Example: Reading to others who have difficulty reading
Example: Baking goods and giving them to elderly shut-ins downtown
_________________________
_________________________
By matching your values with your behaviors, it is possible to identify volunteer opportunities that will be enjoyable.
Also, to engage a lifestyle behavior, you need to commit to doing it over a prescribed period of time because, more likely than not, your interest in the volunteering will ebb and flow before it becomes a solid part of your lifestyle behavior patterns. This prescribed time period might be anywhere from 1 month to 1 year or longer. At the end of this period, you can reevaluate whether volunteering is something you want to continue or whether you would prefer trying something else. Commitment is the key here, even if you are doing something that you believe in and enjoy doing; you still need to commit yourself to it.
There are long-term rewards associated with volunteering. Those who make volunteering a life-span pursuit are considered to be generous, and generosity is associated with a number of positive outcomes including a rich social support network of those whom you have helped in the past.
The science of gerontology has discovered that generous people are, for the most part, positive and highly motivated to do good, and experience well-being in old age (Penner, 2002).
Generosity is not without sacrifice, but volunteering is one of the first steps to developing generosity within yourself.
Lifestyle behaviors involve persistent patterns of acting and behaving that continue over time and that fit your other lifestyle interests and values.
Start by identifying your values.
List five things that you have valued over your lifetime (three examples have been provided):
Example: My education
Example: My family
Example: My religious beliefs
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
Identify ways that you can support these values through volunteer efforts or helping. These behaviors might include tutoring at an elementary school (because I value “Education”); making deliveries, phone calls, or other types of assistance through your church (because I value “My religious beliefs); or even helping a family member in need (because I value “My family”).
Make a list of volunteer behaviors that appeal to your values system:
Example: Reading to others who have difficulty reading
Example: Baking goods and giving them to elderly shut-ins downtown
_________________________
_________________________
By matching your values with your behaviors, it is possible to identify volunteer opportunities that will be enjoyable.
Also, to engage a lifestyle behavior, you need to commit to doing it over a prescribed period of time because, more likely than not, your interest in the volunteering will ebb and flow before it becomes a solid part of your lifestyle behavior patterns. This prescribed time period might be anywhere from 1 month to 1 year or longer. At the end of this period, you can reevaluate whether volunteering is something you want to continue or whether you would prefer trying something else. Commitment is the key here, even if you are doing something that you believe in and enjoy doing; you still need to commit yourself to it.
There are long-term rewards associated with volunteering. Those who make volunteering a life-span pursuit are considered to be generous, and generosity is associated with a number of positive outcomes including a rich social support network of those whom you have helped in the past.
The science of gerontology has discovered that generous people are, for the most part, positive and highly motivated to do good, and experience well-being in old age (Penner, 2002).
Generosity is not without sacrifice, but volunteering is one of the first steps to developing generosity within yourself.
Flexibility in Helping
Helping others requires flexibility, and those who volunteer foster more flexibility.
Flexibility is nothing more than using new strategies of behaving and thinking the make one better adaptable.
The goal of flexibility is to get one to think in different ways in order to promote meaning.
For example, getting residents in a nursing home to care for a simple houseplant could act as a form of altruism, and therefore lead to increased happiness and get those individuals in the process of providing aid, even in the face of substantial disturbance of memory or cognitive functioning.
Flexibility is nothing more than using new strategies of behaving and thinking the make one better adaptable.
The goal of flexibility is to get one to think in different ways in order to promote meaning.
For example, getting residents in a nursing home to care for a simple houseplant could act as a form of altruism, and therefore lead to increased happiness and get those individuals in the process of providing aid, even in the face of substantial disturbance of memory or cognitive functioning.
Focusing on the Positives in Helping
Here’s a couple of things that can help move past barriers that stand in the way of you helping or not.
Decide on specific ways to help. Make contact with volunteer organizations or work with a service coordinator to help identify a way to help you find a volunteer situation that fits your particular situation and resources
A service coordinator can help you in two ways. First, they can provide motivational materials on helping or volunteering. Second, they can connect you with volunteer organizational meetings where you can obtain more information on volunteering.
Once you engage in volunteering opportunities, growing a more positive attitude toward it won’t be long behind. Once you build and maintain that attitude, it will help on the road to becoming a helper. The scientific literature backs this up. Even if you don’t like the fact of helping at first, you can still reap the benefits that come along with it.
The impact of altruistically motivated helping as a way to find peace of mind comes from moving the focus of one’s psychological resources from self-concerns to a more outward concern for the welfare of others.
Test it out yourself. Get involved in a helping opportunity that you don’t particularly like doing (even for yourself). Notice how this otherwise unrewarding behavior becomes more interesting and fulfilling and induces a positive view about yourself as a helper, as well as the individual you are helping.
Decide on specific ways to help. Make contact with volunteer organizations or work with a service coordinator to help identify a way to help you find a volunteer situation that fits your particular situation and resources
A service coordinator can help you in two ways. First, they can provide motivational materials on helping or volunteering. Second, they can connect you with volunteer organizational meetings where you can obtain more information on volunteering.
Once you engage in volunteering opportunities, growing a more positive attitude toward it won’t be long behind. Once you build and maintain that attitude, it will help on the road to becoming a helper. The scientific literature backs this up. Even if you don’t like the fact of helping at first, you can still reap the benefits that come along with it.
The impact of altruistically motivated helping as a way to find peace of mind comes from moving the focus of one’s psychological resources from self-concerns to a more outward concern for the welfare of others.
Test it out yourself. Get involved in a helping opportunity that you don’t particularly like doing (even for yourself). Notice how this otherwise unrewarding behavior becomes more interesting and fulfilling and induces a positive view about yourself as a helper, as well as the individual you are helping.
The Skill of Help Receiving
As you age, you will need help and assistance. The above graph indicates over half of the people who are 85 years and older need some form of help.
But, there are barriers to receiving help, including:
There are social imprints that can limit your views about receiving help. Things like not accepting help when it is offered, or always wanting to solve your own problems.
When it comes to receiving help, people vary in their willingness to receive it. The likelihood of asking for help will depend, to a great degree, on how comfortable a person is with receiving help. Try out the following exercise to see how willing you are to receive help.
When Would I Consider Receiving Help? Exercise -
Rate these according to the following scale:
But, there are barriers to receiving help, including:
- Not accepting help from strangers.
- The want to give more than to receive.
- Doing things on your own (by your own boot straps) is best.
- An attitude to live free or die.
There are social imprints that can limit your views about receiving help. Things like not accepting help when it is offered, or always wanting to solve your own problems.
When it comes to receiving help, people vary in their willingness to receive it. The likelihood of asking for help will depend, to a great degree, on how comfortable a person is with receiving help. Try out the following exercise to see how willing you are to receive help.
When Would I Consider Receiving Help? Exercise -
Rate these according to the following scale:
- Indicates that you would never consider receiving help for this.
- You would rarely consider receiving help.
- You would consider receiving help from time to time.
- You would consider receiving help.
- You would always consider receiving help.
Receiving Help
Accept a monetary gift from someone who is poorer than me_____
Help cleaning gutters from a friend when my poor vision makes the task dangerous_____
Help from a stranger when I am struggling to cross the street_____
Help from a neighbor to buy groceries if I could not afford them_____
Accept money from a grandchild to pay my bills_____
Receive blood from a stranger for a transfusion_____
Accept the donation of a kidney from a stranger for a life-saving surgery_____
It’s important to learn how to receive help and also teach others how to receive it as well.
An analogy from child rearing might facilitate an understanding of this concept.
When children are younger they are often eager to help. They might want to help with the vacuuming or gardening. Their skills may not be such that they can actually aid in the performance of these tasks, but by showing a willingness to help, they are learning important principles of living and are exhibiting a developing maturity. In a learning context, such a willing child might be allowed to help even though the child’s efforts are counterproductive with regard to the task.
The same can also be the case in old age. Perhaps a younger person asks you if you need help with a task. It may be that you can perform the task, even though it may be difficult. It may be, however, that you discern that this younger person’s desire to help is an altruistic gesture that you want to cultivate so you allow them to help.
Help cleaning gutters from a friend when my poor vision makes the task dangerous_____
Help from a stranger when I am struggling to cross the street_____
Help from a neighbor to buy groceries if I could not afford them_____
Accept money from a grandchild to pay my bills_____
Receive blood from a stranger for a transfusion_____
Accept the donation of a kidney from a stranger for a life-saving surgery_____
It’s important to learn how to receive help and also teach others how to receive it as well.
An analogy from child rearing might facilitate an understanding of this concept.
When children are younger they are often eager to help. They might want to help with the vacuuming or gardening. Their skills may not be such that they can actually aid in the performance of these tasks, but by showing a willingness to help, they are learning important principles of living and are exhibiting a developing maturity. In a learning context, such a willing child might be allowed to help even though the child’s efforts are counterproductive with regard to the task.
The same can also be the case in old age. Perhaps a younger person asks you if you need help with a task. It may be that you can perform the task, even though it may be difficult. It may be, however, that you discern that this younger person’s desire to help is an altruistic gesture that you want to cultivate so you allow them to help.
How to Receive Help Graciously
Positive Agers are both help givers and help receivers. Positive Aging characteristics can be applied to facilitate helping. These characteristics can also be applied to receiving help.
Of the Positive Aging characteristics, flexibility is, perhaps, the most important optimal help receiving. In this instance flexibility comes from understanding of how and why people want to help you, and then knowing how to respond or to acknowledge that you are willing to receive such help. To know how to receive help requires that you are able to think and act flexibly.
Like volunteering or providing assistance, receiving help can be initiated with the idea in mind that you are making it possible for someone who is interested in you or cares about you to show caring by helping you. To refuse help when it is offered may send the message that you are still independent, but it could also convey that you don’t value the offer of help. Furthermore, when you spurn a sincere offer to help, there is the possibility that you have denied a growth opportunity.
One way to develop a positive attitude about receiving help is to reflect on times that you extended a helping hand to others in need. It is likely you will generate positive memories, pleasant emotions, and even a sense of gratefulness that you were able to help. To indicate that you don’t want, need, or deserve an offer of help may work against someone who is trying to become more altruistic and may make you seem ungrateful.
Of course, helping may not directly involve the receiver. Take, for instance, the act of donating blood. When you make the donation it is unlikely that you will ever see the recipient of this source of help. You are giving of yourself freely, without expectation of any reward in return. This is, perhaps, the highest form of altruism.
Of the Positive Aging characteristics, flexibility is, perhaps, the most important optimal help receiving. In this instance flexibility comes from understanding of how and why people want to help you, and then knowing how to respond or to acknowledge that you are willing to receive such help. To know how to receive help requires that you are able to think and act flexibly.
Like volunteering or providing assistance, receiving help can be initiated with the idea in mind that you are making it possible for someone who is interested in you or cares about you to show caring by helping you. To refuse help when it is offered may send the message that you are still independent, but it could also convey that you don’t value the offer of help. Furthermore, when you spurn a sincere offer to help, there is the possibility that you have denied a growth opportunity.
One way to develop a positive attitude about receiving help is to reflect on times that you extended a helping hand to others in need. It is likely you will generate positive memories, pleasant emotions, and even a sense of gratefulness that you were able to help. To indicate that you don’t want, need, or deserve an offer of help may work against someone who is trying to become more altruistic and may make you seem ungrateful.
Of course, helping may not directly involve the receiver. Take, for instance, the act of donating blood. When you make the donation it is unlikely that you will ever see the recipient of this source of help. You are giving of yourself freely, without expectation of any reward in return. This is, perhaps, the highest form of altruism.
When and How to Give and Receive Help
Helping is an acquired skill. We learn about it at a young age, and continue to refine it across our lifetime. To be a good giver and receiver of help requires cultivating resources including flexibility, sensitivity, and a positive attitude.
This highlights a critical point: Some forms of behaving have the appearance of helping but emanate from a self-serving source.
For example, you may be familiar with a person who gives help no matter the circumstance. This person has learned that helping is good, but cannot stop from giving help even when it is not needed or wanted.
At the same time, there are people who always want help, who are overly dependent and needy, and who get their needs met through good will of others. These two kinds of actions are not helping behaviors because they involve meeting one’s own needs.
This highlights a critical point: Some forms of behaving have the appearance of helping but emanate from a self-serving source.
For example, you may be familiar with a person who gives help no matter the circumstance. This person has learned that helping is good, but cannot stop from giving help even when it is not needed or wanted.
At the same time, there are people who always want help, who are overly dependent and needy, and who get their needs met through good will of others. These two kinds of actions are not helping behaviors because they involve meeting one’s own needs.